mess

messy messy messy

dirty torn stained muddy scuffed tattered broken scarred battered smudged

give me my self back.

this is not a request. and i am not saying please.

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I want to be.

I want to be someone who makes your life better.  Someone who has something to offer.  I want to be so many things to so many people.

How do you open up your heart without losing yourself as well?

These are questions I ask myself.  How do you become one with someone while still maintaining yourself?  Because, baby, sometimes you have to believe in yourself more than anyone else.  And when it hurts, sometimes you have to bandage yourself.  Its not fair.  Its like the world cut off your leg and expects you to sew that gaping wound closed as you lay in a puddle of blood, just trying to figure out how you got here in the first place.

But you have to.  There might be no other option.  And all my life I’ve hoped that its not true.  That maybe we lift each other up.  That we carry each other.  But then why were we given legs.  No, I think its true that we have to walk.  And maybe sometimes we have to walk alone.  That way we can better understand each other.

We have to do this to love.  And it doesn’t necessarily make sense.  But when has anything worthwhile ever made sense?

again and again

when will i ever learn

another fight, more hurt, more pain, more words of frustration, more miscommunication

i’m hurting and that hurts you

you are hurting too

we both have these huge lives, these questions, these mountains we have to climb

and its hard to know how to climb together

but love won’t let me walk alone

and i’m so goddamn sorry

This Morning

I cried this morning. I cried a little bit last night.

I talked with you.  And you’re right, I could have talked for hours.

I felt safe with you.  I knew you would always protect me.

I faced the terrifying notion that the future is unknown to me.

I faced the beautiful prospect that anything and all things are possible.

I slept well.  I dreamt of the arms that were holding me.

I felt weak and I felt strong.

I had no guarantee that anyone else would approve of, support, or be proud of my choices.

So I decided for myself.

And the world kept turning.

 

Maybe the sand will hear you

I change frequently.

Good luck knowing today how I will feel tomorrow.   You can trace the up and downs, the back and forths, the rights and lefts and circles I leave etched in the dust beneath my feet.  Try to make sense of it if you must, but I’d recommend not.  I did not take the road less traveled, Robert.  I think I left the road altogether.  I may have just walked in circles the last 22 years.  But you can’t argue that it is a new trail. I know, I know.  It should lead somewhere.  There is a point A and a point B and if I knew math, I’d pick the most direct line between the two and walk it.  But I’m not going to.  And do I look bothered?

Who are you?

I don’t know.  And nothing has ever been more right than those words.  I don’t know.  And it doesn’t matter.

A Toast

Here’s to the girl who knows what she wants

Here’s to the girl who is willing to bend

Here’s to the girl who knows that love is the only battle worth fighting

Here’s to the girl who isn’t afraid to make mistakes, because she knows each one gives her something in common with 7 billion other people

Here’s to the girl who knows that life only lasts a breath but now is all eternity

Here’s to the girl who is real rather than right

Here’s to the girl who is willing to take a chance

Here’s to the girl’s lungs that breathe summer air and the girl’s lips that whisper love

Here’s to the girl’s ears that listen, really listen

Here’s to the girl’s heart that dreams

Apparently, here’s to me.

An end that is not an end

I am almost ready to head to my first final, ending my first semester of graduate school.

I got a card from Jessie Neal today.  Which makes me feel like I can do this.

But I don’t want to do this.  I still don’t like this program.  I don’t want to do this.

But right now I have to do this.  Business casual for the win.

Or not quite a win.