Night again.

I wish I could be like you. Making my decisions and never looking back. Living in the moment with complete disregard for everything around me. If I hurt someone, so what? Its their own fault for making choices that led their heart so close to mine. I’m tired of hurting and I’m tired of feeling like a screw-up. I wish I was strong and empty like you seem to be. I’m tired of being this. I’m tired of being me.

I feel like I should have all my struggles worked out before I go to camp. I’m not even close.

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run.

i’m really stressed. i don’t like having to deal with things, but just sitting in indecision is even worse. sometimes i wish i was just strong enough or knew enough to make my choices. i think part of my excitement for the summer comes from the fact that it offers me an escape. an escape into the lives of others, into a bubble where life can’t get at me. but i can’t always be running. i’ve seen people try that enough to know that it doesnt work. i’m so tired. i want to know what kind of life God means for us to live.

Dear Summer,

Please hurry. I miss you. I miss the person you made me. I know I should be that girl everyday and that God is giving me endless opportunities to live a servant life, just like at camp, but I’ve fallen so far, I need help to get back up. So, Jesus, get me through until the end of May and use this summer at camp to break me and make me whole. I want to serve you and show others the source of life I’ve found. The only thing that makes life worth living. Jesus, you are the God of second chances. Thank you for giving me this one and get me through until it comes. I want to be able to look at myself again and see your child. I miss that so much.

Love, Lynnea

Fernando Ortega.

Sing, oh sing of my Redeemer

With his blood he purchased me

On the cross, he sealed my pardon

Paid the debt and made me free.

I don’t want to you to see how broken I am.  I don’t want to look down and see the blood and the dirt.  I don’t want you to see my wounds.  I’d rather look strong.  I’d rather be able to handle it on my own.  Its like if I broke my leg, but I didn’t want anyone to know that I got hurt, so I refuse to go to a doctor.  I just keep stumbling around on this broken leg.  And of course, everyone can look at me and see that I can’t walk anymore.  Its obvious to everyone around me that my leg is broken, but because I won’t admit it, it won’t get healed.

But instead of my leg, its my heart.  Its my self.   I have a redeemer.  I have a savior.  I am loved by the great physician.  Will I let him heal me? I don’t know.

Disco Balls

I’ve been reading Pat Hawks blog (www.pathawks.com) a lot lately and it amazes me how he finds analogies for God and our relationship with him in everything that happens in his life. It just shows me how God is so involved in every aspect of our lives and how he has written his story on every page of our hearts. Which is amazing. I’d like to worry. I’d like to handle everything myself. I’d like to know exactly what is going to happen. But God is in control and He loves.

Prodigal Daughter

I am so loved.  Beyond any doubt, that is the one true thing about me.  God loves me.  I have nothing.  I am nothing, without him.  But I’m not without him.  I am with him.  I am my beloved’s and he is mine!  The world says we have nothing, but the Lord says nothing has changed and in Christ, we have everything.  (alxndr)  I’ve screwed up.  I’ve turned away.  I’ve denied.  But I’ve been forgiven!  There is a love that never ends, that runs deeper than anything we could ever know.  And I have been invited into it!  We are all invited.  We are all meant to experience that total abandon.  That falling into arms that hold up the universe.  The gentle hands that placed the stars in their orbits and were nailed to the cross long to wipe the tears from our eyes.  We are meant for heaven!  We are made for an abundant life.  We are beautiful and it is for beauty that we have been created.  Life can wear us down.  Satan does everything in his power to blind us to the truth.  He makes us fall and then convinces us that we can’t get up.  But we can.  God is always waiting for us, longing to run to us and sweep us up in his love.

swear.

I’d like to.  Right now.

I’m a screw up.  But I never pretended to be anything else.  I’m hurting you.  I hate that about myself.  I keep you hanging on.  I toy with your emotions, with everything.  I know.  God.  I know.  I haven’t done the right thing by you in months.  I’d apologize, but what good would it do.  I’ve apologized a million times and I mean it every time, its just I don’t change so its worthless.  Go figure.  Someday, when I look at myself, I’d really love to feel proud instead of disgusted.

I’d like to hide from this right now.  I’d like to throw up a wall, be defensive, start building up in my mind all the things you’ve done to hurt me, that way I don’t have to see what I’ve become.  But God’s brought this mirror into my life for a reason.  I can see myself and it looks bad and somehow, I obviously need to change.  God is either merciful and loving, gently showing me my faults to continue to mold me into the woman he wants me to be or he is pissed off and (justly) flinging the crap I’ve become into my face.  I’d like to believe its the former.

I feel like I’ve found my label. And I can’t believe this is how I turned out.

excitement

I alternate between being really scared about and being really excited for Summer ’08.  Right now, I can hardly wait.  I keep thinking about being back at RLBC.  Going to the cable bridge.  Jumping in the freezing pool.  Chapel worship.  Campfires.  Looking at the stars.   Being surrounded by the beauty of nature and the beauty of love.  Being a part of something so much bigger than myself.  I’ve had a rough year.  I think we all have.  But its almost summer.  I can’t believe its almost been a whole year since I turned up (with ridiculous hair) for lifeguard training.  My life is coming full circle.  I’m getting ready to try the dreads again (hopefully with less ridiculous results), I’m heading back for staff training soon ( as a senior counselor! wha?!), I’m feeling the beauty of springtime outside and hope in my life.  If I’m coming around full circle, Jesus, I pray that means I’m coming back to you.  Back to learning and growing and being yours.  I can’t wait.

label.

Hello, I am…what?  What am I?  I wish I could just look down at a nametag and figure out who I am.  ‘Singer’, ‘Writer’, ‘Artist’, ‘Lover’, ‘Friend’.  I want a label so I can know for sure, cut and dry, Lynnea Erickson, this is what you are.  This is who you are.  Where is my nametag?

i dont know.

I don’t know where many things in my life are going. I don’t know what kind of work I am going to do with my major. I don’t know what my summer will be like. I don’t know what will happen in any of my relationships. I’m blind. And I’m okay with that. Jesus, you’ve got it covered. Whatever you bring to me, whatever you bring me to, its going to be good. You’re good and you’re with me. I’m blind and I’m being led by the only one who can see. Its good.

I’m going to struggle.  Of course.  I’m going to struggle every day of my life.  But that doesn’t change anything.  I can struggle, but you stand firm.  I have a Shepherd.  The past, the present, the future, its all in His hands.