There is an exercise on wii fit where you are heading soccer balls and avoiding hitting other objects thrown at your face. One of the objects thrown is a panda bear head. Ummmm…? Yes please.
I’ve had a lot of experiences with headlessness this Christmas.
For example, as we were decorating our Christmas tree this year, the head broke off an ornament. We still put it on the tree. Both the decapitated head, and the headless body.
I went to ISU today to talk to admissions and try to figure out where my life is headed.
I did not make a decision about schooling. I’m still in the thought process concerning that. Still need to research some things, pray about a lot of things, and figure out some things. But I did figure one thing out: I know what I want to do with my life.
I want to wear skirts everyday. And always have my toenails painted. I want to have flowers growing outside my window and a tea pot. (An indoor tea pot, not one growing outside my window.) I want to paint and design and work with my hands. I want to hold babies. Other peoples babies. Crack babies. And not addicted to crack babies too. Basically any child that needs to know they are loved and worth being loved. I want to sit down with my friends and hear about their lives and their hearts. I want to be intentional. I want to build relationships for a living. Get to know people and take care of their hearts and their bodies. I want to be able to go sit out under a tree and read Jane Eyre. I want to go out at night and sleep under the stars in someone’s arms. I want to get my hands dirty.
God has placed a desire on my heart for fullness and for a vivid life. A gift to discern where we often let ourselves settle for so much less and a desire to draw myself and others out of that. And I want to live that out. I want to live and love fully.
Thats what I found out today at ISU.
I’ve been questioning spectrums lately. I think we all desire things in our lives to fall into an either/or category. A direct black or white . But things rarely, if ever, do. Its part of what makes life beautiful. What lies in between black and white isnt a washed out grey. In between the black and white are all the colors.
But its hard to desire that. Its hard to let go of our proverbial pendulum and let it swing, because then we aren’t in control and it shows. We don’t know what will happen or who could be affected. Trust is hard in a broken world full of broken people. Sometimes we’d rather just close the door on it and pretend that the extremes are enough to get us through the day. That black and white are enough to color our world.
But beauty comes through brokenness. It is only when white light breaks that you see color. When you fall away from the extremes and embrace the recklessness of living in between that you find how much life has to offer. Its difficult and its painful, but what if it is worth it?
‘Do his hands in your hair feel a lot like a thing you believe in? Or a bit like a bird stealing bread out from under your nose?’
My favourite animals are baby elephants and sun bears. Baby tembos and…sun bears.
I watched an elephant give birth once on Animal Planet.
And at one point in my life, I planned on majoring in zoology and working in a zoo with baby elephants.
Sun bears will always take the top spot, but elephants come in a close second.
Elephants generally eat between 220 and 400 pounds of food per day.
Sun Bears do not hibernate.
Sun Bears are one of the smallest species of bear at around 1.4 metres/100 lbs.
The gestation period for an elephant is 22 months.
Elephants are right or left tusked. Much like right or left handedness in humans.
Sun Bears have loose skin that allows them to twist when bitten so as to bite the attacker.
The animal kingdom is a fascinating place. Haha.
The question that popped into my mind as we were rehearsing the drama this weekend:
When Jesus was on the cross, was Mary mourning the loss of her son or of her Rabbi?
What kind of emotion must have been running through her? Sort of a double punch there. The loss of the teacher, of the promise given to her by Gabriel and by Simeon and Anna? The all-to-common loss of a a man who had promised to save and restore Israel. But not just any man. Her son. Was she experiencing the brokeness of losing hope AND the agony of a parent losing their child?
I think in that moment, all thoughts of King and Lord would have left her mind. And all she would see was her son. Her son bleeding, struggling to breathe, dying. More than any other, Mary had an insight into the humanity of Christ. And in that moment, when he said “It is finished”, I imagine her heartache echoed God’s.
That was my big “character thought” from this weekend. Lots of other, non-drama related stuff, which was really good for me to hear. But that was my one real connection with Mary. I’m realizing I need to learn from this part. And I struggle with that. But I’ll get there. I’m really grateful to Annika for sharing her thoughts with me from playing Mary last year. Good. Really good.
And just to avoid leaving Christ on the cross, I’m going to end this blog with one thought.
Classes are officially done for the semester.
3 tests, 1 essay, and 1 essay test to go.
Awaken this weekend, hard finals week coming up. But then its all done.
Which will be really appreciated.
On all sides.
I’m doing well. I hope I am also doing good.
Sometimes I feel like we treat life like a lion tamer or zookeeper.
Who is given a lion, but then trades it in for a house cat.
But still likes thinks its so cute to dress it up in a lion costume,
And tell people how the crazy thing claws at the couch and bothers the fish.
We have the opportunity for a vivid, abundant story
and we trade it in for Mother Goose.
But we can’t get rid of that desire for more,
so we dress it up and pretend that this is satisfying our hearts.
Because its safe and its comfortable.
But its not really what we want.
And we know it.
So we cover up the boredom. We imagine we’re fulfilled by the routine.
And watch the cat get lazy and obese.
Luckily, lions aren’t easily contained.
They have this funny way of breaking out of the cages we build.
And our lives are usually the better for it.
Then one of the elders said to me, “Do not weep! See, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has triumphed. He is able to open the scroll and its seven seals.” Revelation 5:5
Things I want to do tonight:
-Reorganize my desk and redecorate my room.
-Bundle up and take a walk through campus/around K’ville
Things I need to do tonight:
-Write 8 more pages of shit about Guatemalan coffee and its impact upon the lower working classes.
(My primary worry is not my ability to B.S. well, but rather my serious lack of Turabian knowledge.)
-Put lotion on my dry skin
Things I will end up doing:
-My paper. Hopefully.
-Listen to Sondre Lerche and Derek Webb
-Drink lots of Christmas flavored tea
I have posted watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem;
they will never be silent day or night.
You who call on the LORD,
give yourselves no rest