Lets Shoot All the Messengers

I was getting my materials ready to send to Saint Louis University tonight.  I copied and pasted my files of writing samples and statements of purpose (culs de sac) and was editing them to make them school specific when I noticed something.  In my English Literature Ph D statement of purpose (which was edited from a political science statement of purpose) I had forgotten to edit out “I plan to obtain my phD in political science.”  I have already sent this paper to Washington University.  Scratch getting into that program off my list of hopes for the future.

Its looking like the Lou is not going to be my city of residence anytime soon.  Sorry Arch, Jewel Box, Pi’s, cool theatre on Lindell Blvd., and convenience.

I’m getting more and more nervous everyday about grad school acceptances (or lack thereof).  Good thing I’m also becoming more and more obsessed with East Asia and would be easily able to transition to the idea of moving to Seoul or Shanghai to teach English for the near future.  (Or possible become the next undercover member of A.N. Jell.  Jackpot.)

Kam sa ham ni dah.

I am a self-spelunker and my life is a journey.

I know smoking is bad for your health, but in my mind, it is intrinsically linked with glamorous movie stars of the 1950s, foreign travel and the exotic, and the bustling energy of carnivals.  All of these things are things I like.  If they were still in fashion, I’d totally use one of those long cigarette holders.  Just like the one Rose has in Titanic.  Its probably best for my lungs that they aren’t common anymore.

I once wrote a poem about Fidel Castro.

When I write in pen, I usually go back over what I’ve written to make it darker and neater. I hate for my pen-writing to be sloppy.  I hate the mess of bad erase marks, but pencil is still my favourite writing medium.  Maybe ink and brush would beat it out if they were still common but that’s not the case.  And not mechanical pencils…the real, pretentious looking pencils.  Plain and tan with a pink eraser.  The real deal.

I love China but I am secretly beginning to think that Korean has a more beautiful sound.

I never know how to reassure people when they are nervous about an upcoming event.  I don’t want to tell them I believe everything is going to work out well, because what if it doesn’t and then they are doubly disappointed.  But at the same time, I want to express my sincere belief that they can and should succeed because they are qualified.

I make lists.  All the time.  I like my life to feel organized.  I wonder if this means I am becoming less free-spirited?

Sometimes I feel like I’m really growing up.  Maturing in good ways but also become more like the grown-ups of Le Petit Prince.  This is disconcerting.

I’m wearing jewelry from 4 different countries today.

Last semester (until next fall…)

I just can’t force myself to get anything done.

I’m just feeling lazy and lackadaisical.  I don’t want to do my homework.  I don’t want to go to class.  I don’t want to go to work.  I just want to sleeeeeep or sit around.  Senioritis hit too soon. I’ll be in school for the rest of my life.  This is a problem.

Why did I schedule such a tough semester?  Shooooot.

Whoops.

Basis of my faith

Most of the time the world feels fine and I feel fine.  There are moments of joy, love, friendship, and beauty .  This feels true to me.  But there is also war, disease, and despair which all feel wrong (of course) but wrong in a way that you know they weren’t supposed to be there.  Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the feeling that I have to prove myself.  That I have to be good enough.  That I have to work to ensure that I am on top.  Because then I’m safe, then I’m loved.  I feel like life is a competition and sometimes I feel like I’m winning and other times, not.  And I let this idea run so deep, that most of the time it doesn’t even cross my mind to question it.  To ask why I think that girl walking across campus is better than me or why I assume that boy in my class is judging me as flawed.  When face to face with a hungry child, no one accepts poverty.  War may be seen by some as necessary but can never be labeled good.  And yet, we accept this, we accept loneliness, anger, and fear, as parts of every day.  Pain runs deep in the very veins of our existence.  And yet, deep down, some part of me is screaming that this is not right.  This is not how it is supposed to be.  And that is exactly what I see in the Bible.  A message that, You’re right.  You were made for something else.  This world doesn’t work and its killing you.  But hold on.  Hope.  You can catch glimpses of the way it was meant to be.  Eden lingers.  And will someday be restored.  Hold on.  Hope.

Gloria Betcher and Jessie Neal

I love the BBC Robin Hood.  I especially love its strong women, mostly Marian.  Alan looks great topless and says “tattoo” better than I’ve ever heard before and Much is caring and intelligent.  Even Robin has his moments.  But Marian really fights for what she believes in and does what is right even when it is difficult for her.  She aims to be rational and practical, but gives in to a recklessness built on love.

Also…just saying, snake venom is really interesting.