cleanliness is next to godliness…in shinto.

I need to shower.  Honestly, now that I have dreads, I think I shower more often than I did before…but still, my scalp is itchy, I’m meeting a friend in 30 minutes…I should go wash my hair.

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eric clapton

i cry a lot. sometimes its just a few tears falling, sometimes its straight up weeping. i never used to be this way, but within the past couple of years, i seem to have developed a weepy personality.

i bring this up because something struck me today. i’ve been having a lot of realizations about myself this summer, and i think its good for me to record what i discover, even if that truth about myself only lasts for the day. i need to not keep everything to myself so much.

anyway. today, my grandpa had a seizure. a big one. he’s in the hospital now, recovering. i think he’ll be okay, but this is maybe his second or third seizure following a couple of strokes, so its pretty obvious he isn’t doing so well.

i love my grandpa. so much. yet when i heard what happened today, i didn’t cry. i didn’t think about it at first, but then i realized i’m the weepiest person i know and i just found out my grandfather is on his way to the hospital in an ambulance, and i’m just standing here, taking it in. i didn’t feel like i was in denial or anything, just had no need to cry. it freaked me out for a little bit that this wasnt affecting me emotionally and the thought crossed my mind that i must be the worst person in the world, but then i realized how i’ve never really cried at big things like this.

i was not emotionally affected by 9/11.

i’ve never cried over a major natural disaster.

i didn’t even cry when riverside flooded this year.

thats not to say i’m a heartless and unfeeling person, but the large scale just doesn’t seem to hit my heart.

however, i realized, its the little things, often ordinary things that get to me. personal interactions. seeing people’s hearts and pains exposed. intimate sorrows and joys. that gets into my heart.

i cry when i pray with and for people and when i am prayed for.

i cry when a person lets me in deep enough to see their daily, “ordinary” pain.

i cry when i see you cry.

i cried today when i got to the hospital and my grandpa held my hand.

i cried when i saw my grandmother’s eyes well up as she realized today was her and my grandpa’s 57th wedding anniversary and she didn’t know how many more years she would have with him.

sometimes i feel compassion-less when major events don’t affect me. i’m not moved when other people are and i feel wrong, but lately i’ve been seeing how god HAS given me a heart of empathy, genuine empathy that can deeply feel other people’s pain. but where my heart is tuned into is the small stuff, the ordinary stuff. and i’m learning to appreciate that.