here we go again.

a lot of people have been saying a lot of things lately that are how i feel. so, if you’ve been blogging and i’ve been reading it, know that i am praying for all of you.  there are a lot of people being broken right now.  i’m with you. for what its worth.

honesty has been on my mind a lot.  even if no one else sees this, in a way, its an avenue for me to admit things to myself.  so here are some more things about me that have been rising to the surface lately.  confessions, if you will.  sometimes i get jealous of other people’s abilities.  abilities to write, to sing, to be outgoing, etc.  lets face it.  i suck at blogging.  i’m just plain terrible at it.  and sometimes i read other people’s blogs and just wish i could write like that.  just let my feelings out.  say really eloquent and moving things.  god, i think you are calling me out of my mistaken pride and you’ve been doing it for about the past seven or eight months, and if you are doing it, its got to be a good thing, but sometimes it just sucks, not feeling like you are good at anything.  i covet other peoples abilities.  which i suppose it just as much of a broken commandment as coveting other people’s cattle.

I’ve been seeking my validation from people again.  not from God.  I went through this in the mid to end of the summer as well.  I remember I just broke down one day from something one of my closest friends said to me in like 1oth grade.  She probably doesnt even remember the conversation, but i remember it exactly.  it wasnt even something meant to hurt or insult, but for some reason it cut really deep and it still comes up. how ridiculous. i want people to like me.  i want to be loved.  i want to know that i am valued and that i make a difference in people’s lives.  and i do know that.  God has given me so many amazing people who pour love into my heart, but as with every person, there is no end to our need and we can never be filled, except by the one who has everything to give.  So why don’t I turn to that more often?  Why do I settle for water from the well when I have the fountain of living water, offering to quench a thirst that runs so much deeper than i knew?  (read about the woman from John 4, if there is any story in that bible that i absolutely feel, its that one)  Jesus, I wish I turned to you more.  For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.  (2 Tim 1:7) My life, my spirit has not been powerful, or lovely, or even particularly sound lately.  i have been fearful.  fearing i am alone.  fearing i’m beyond your grasp, fearing that everything i am is wrong.  but Jesus, thats not of you.

Jesus, i’m coming along.  i’m moving so slow right now.  but keep me coming.

What language shall I borrow
To thank Thee, dearest friend,
For this Thy dying sorrow,
Thy pity without end?
O make me Thine forever,
And should I fainting be,
Lord, let me never,
Never outlive my love to Thee.

O Sacred Head Now Wounded.

fam

Some days I just feel really alone.  I miss laughing with people.  Crying with people.  Having people so close in my life.  Sometimes I wonder if everyone feels this way, or if its just me.  Sometimes I really hope no one reads this because I’d hate to know what they must think of me.  Sometimes I just don’t care.

Good Morning Me.

Its almost 11:oo AM on a Saturday.  I haven’t brushed my teeth yet today.  I’m wearing my favorite pair of pants.  I need to shower.  I got new windshield wipers today.  That was exciting.  I should be working on a 10 page historiography paper right now, but I’m not.  I’m drinking green tea and just spilled it on the table.  I’m going to go wipe that up.

emendation.

Thats what I hope for. Its where my heart will be someday. Obviously I’m not there yet. But I’m growing.  Some days it feels like one step forward and two steps back.  Some days it just feels like I am moving backwards.  I lose hope a lot, but Jesus is working.  I am loved.  So are you.

…sometimes I forget your real name…

I’m shy and easily intimidated, otherwise I would probably tell you this instead of just blogging about it.  Affirmation always kind of scares me, because I’m always afraid my opinion won’t matter.  I guess being brave for me means taking that chance.  So, for what it is worth, Howie, I have always looked up to you.  Sorry.  Pun intended.  But honestly, since I started going to high school week, I’ve admired you and seen so much of God through you.  You’ve always had such a fun spirit and an outgoing personality that I’ve always wished to have.  Working with you this past summer was so intimidating for me.  I’m terrible about being intimidated of people I admire.  So I’m pretty sure I talked to you maybe 4 times.  Wish it would have been more.  I hope it will be this summer.  I remember playing Bonkers high school week and for your station, you asked me who your favorite Erickson was.  I answered correctly with ‘Jesse’.  That day made me laugh a lot.  Even now, I know this year has been really hard for you and you are continually struggling, but your openness about it all, even the things you are feeling speak so much to me.  Your words are helping me understand what I am feeling, and what I’m not open enough, even with myself, to share.  I feel what you are going through, and its comforting to see, because I know Jesus is still reaching out to you, everyday, and that means He must be reaching out for me too.  I’m praying for you and praising God that I do have such a great example to look up to in you.  Through the good times, and the bad, I have and continue to see God shining through you and teaching me through you.  So, what is on my mind right now, is a heart breaking to see you going through so much pain and a hope in knowing that God’s heart is breaking too, but he is molding us into his people and calling us toward the day when he will wipe away every tear.  My mind is also full of thanksgiving for having known you, and embarrassment for sure, because hey,  you don’t really know me and here I am telling you that you’ve been someone I’ve looked up to for a long time.  but blogs are all about honesty, right? So here is honesty: Howie, you are a strong, godly man, whom God has used to show me his sense of humor and his love, and through your struggles, God’s strength is glorified.  I am praying for you.

Examples

I’ve obviously been struggling with self-image lately.  Story of everyone’s lives.  I know I’ve been comparing myself too much to others lately, but God has also put people in my life to give me an example.  To learn from the beauty I see in their lives.  God has given each of us different gifts and each of us can illuminate a part of his heart in a way that no one else can.  I can do that too.  The potter is forming each of us individually into his beautiful creation.  I want to celebrate that, and hopefully, someday, I will find my niche, my place that no one else can fill.  Or even better, God will be using me no matter what.

Long story short, I read something a sister wrote today and I was totally convicted to remember the beauty and individuality of every heart and to rejoice and learn from others, instead of being envious of what they have that I don’t.

keeping my head above water

1. I just found out I have a test Friday, a speech Monday (with power point), and a 10 page paper due Tuesday.  Of course, I haven’t started working on or studying for any of these.

2. My self-consciousness is getting out of control.   I’ve been comparing myself so much lately to other people and not measuring up.  It has just been a roller coaster ride of emotions and I’m getting so tired of it.

3. I’m trying to focus on my relationship with Jesus, but so many things just keep getting in the way.  This world is loud and I need ear plugs.

4. Pray for me.  Please.

5. Summary of my life and why I am struggling so much right now: I am totally wrapped up in myself.  My problems, my worries, my stress, my life, my heart.  I need to get outside of me.  Humble myself.  Nate talked about humility last night at Te Deum and it was just what I needed to hear.  Thanks God.  Now if I could just put it into practice.

6. I need to soak my ear in salt water.  Its been way too long since I did that.  Infection city.  Sick.