diva?

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle?  Honestly, I love trees.  I like to pretend I’m green.  If I would have been born a few decades earlier, I like to think I would have been a hippie.   I pretend to care, but really its so much more convenient to buy into our throw-away culture.  Personally, right now, its really not quite as comfortable to be making some of the environmentally conscious decisions I want to make.  Its not a huge hassle or anything, just not quite as nice.  Its such a little change to make in my life and sometimes I wonder if it really makes a difference.  Sometimes, I just want to give up, in a lot of areas, because it would be so much easier and because it seems like I can’t possibly make a difference, but then again, its always the small rocks that precede a landslide.

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losing

Who am I?  I’m losing my self.  Its so easy to get caught up in what is around me.  I’m spending so much time wishing I was more like other people that I don’t really know myself anymore.  I’m searching so hard for something that is right in front of me.  Sometimes I hear that voice, have those moments when I know who I am and whose I am, but I’ve been losing that as soon as it comes.  I just want definition.  I want one part of me that isn’t shifting sand.  I want some part of me to be permanent.  But there is my problem.  I’m looking to myself to be permanent.  I’m trying to find something that I do or some quality I have that I can hold onto as my own.  But the only thing lasting about me is my Jesus.  The perfect, unchanging God.  The same today, yesterday, and forever.  The only real thing about me is that I am loved with an unfailing and everlasting love. I am a sinner saved by grace.  God has given me the righteousness of Christ and therein lies all my beauty, all my strength, all my self.  I get caught up so often in what the world thinks of me and then I get lost and feel hopeless.  If I could only remember to focus on the one who really matters, the one whose opinion actually makes a difference, who has CHOSEN to love me.  If I could just look to my Jesus to know who I am, my life would be so different.  I would honestly and truly be me.

Real.

Honest.

Completely open.

Vulnerable.

Heart laid bare.

Real.

I want that.  I don’t want to show you my heart or who I really am.  I just want to BE who I really am.  No covering up, no hiding, no trying to make myself what I think you want me to be.  Just honesty.  Just absolute reality.   I spend so much time trying to find out what I should be that I miss who I am.

weather

It’s so hard to trust.
Not because you’ve ever failed me.
Not because I want to be in control.
Honestly, I just don’t want to not know. It’s just so terrifying to jump because you might not catch me. If I let go of what I’m clinging to, I’m scared I’ll just be empty and alone.
But you haven’t given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)
You are not a god of emptiness but of abundance beyond comprehension.
And you will never leave me.

Beginnings

My heart.  I want to explore my heart, discover who I am and who I am meant to be.  I want to know myself and understand the way I was made.  I want to find myself.  My heart has gotten bruised and battered by my actions and by my world and what I need more than anything is to find the beauty of my heart; my heart revolution.