How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
Every time I’ve tried to blog lately, my mind has just emptied out. Its like there is a disconnect between my fingers and my life. But it’ll be okay. I feel like that’s my mantra lately: it’ll be okay.
On to my [current] poor man’s version of a blog.
Took the GREs today. I’ll be honest. I was hoping to be shocked and surprised when I got my scores after the test. You know, like that unexpected, I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS JUST HAPPENED I TOTALLY NEVER EXPECTED TO DO THAT WELL. Obviously that didn’t happen. I mean, I love Hollywood reality, but lets be honest. I’ll only ever be Emma Thompson in my dreams. But on the whole, could have gone a whole lot worse. Verbal 590. Quantitative…650. Excuse me? Dear test, you know I suck at maths right? Hard sciences were never my strong suit. I’m a word girl. And yet, this happens every time I take a standardized test. I’m pretty thrilled with a 650 in quantitative, but I think I’ll take it again in the hopes of bumping up my verbal.
The GRE is still the stupidest thing in the world. And I’m not thrilled I have to take it again. But I’m less intimidated now. Now I know its just a stupid short test run on a way outdated computer system. Sooo…I’ll be less afraid next time?
My laundry is still damp. I’m going to hang it up so it doesn’t get musty. Good thing I have experience with this. In China my room always looked like a brothel on laundry day. Clothes strewn everywhere. Maybe that’s not what a brothel looks like. I don’t really know.
“Reality is the name we give to our disappointments.”
Its time to go to bed. Get a good night’s sleep before the GREs in the morning.
I’m not sure how I am feeling about this. But it will be over soon. Over over over. Until I take it again. Ha.
My mind is too full to function. And yet empty.
Beautiful. Or something.
Cows and literature.
”The cow’s point of view deserves more literary attention.”
“Altruism is for those who cannot endure their desires” Mason Cooley
I feel like that sometimes. Like maybe we hide behind our “causes” because we are scared of being ourselves. Maybe I’ve thrown something away because I was scared of love. And maybe I’m trying to fill that void with faceless good deeds. The faceless never satisfies.
There are a lot of pretty people in my life.
Maybe I’m shallow. But I tend to surround myself with beautiful people. I’m fine with this.
And I think to myself, its a beautiful night
and I know everything is gonna be alright
Yes, now I know it’ll be alright
Its going to be alright
You win, GRE. I officially feel stupider than I have ever felt.
Obviously this is a trick they use to keep students out of grad school. Weed them out with the application. Someone has a sadistic sense of humor.
What am I going to do if I don’t get into grad school.
This stress is exhausting. I want to sleep for days.
When am I even going to get grad school applications done? Providing I can pass the GREs and even find the stupid little numbers so I can get my scores to the right schools? Its not like I have at least 4 research papers coming up this semester. Plus Awaken. Plus normal classwork.
I’m going to go scream. And go to bed.
And sorry Li Laoshi, my essay is only 100 characters or so long. I’m mentally exhausted. And really…how much more can I say about Hot and Sour soup? Na ge suan le tang hen hao chi. Jia Chang de suan le tang bi Mandarin de tang hao chi. Meitian wo he suan le tang dui shenti yo haoche.
Wo qu xuexi. Dui bu dui? Wo bu jidao.
…to rinse out my hair dye.
Get it? Its a pun on this year’s RLBC women’s retreat theme. You probably don’t get it if you weren’t there. But I’m waiting. And expecting. Mostly expecting to throw up from how nauseous the smell of this bleach makes me. My bathroom is not well ventilated. Also…this might be a total hair disaster. Which might make me throw up.
Here we go.
I’ve been thinking about Cain and Abel, sitting at the breakfast table.
Actually, I’ve been thinking about fountains. And fig trees. And art. And how life is a series of choices. And how those choices have consequences. The same thing I’ve thought about a million times before. Sitting in my fig tree knowing that I can really only pick one fig. And even if they all look good, and would all be good in their own way, if I just sit in the tree, wondering which one is best, they’ll all go bad. I’m explaining this badly. Go read The Bell Jar. (I will too. How embarrassing. The analogy I practically base my life on is from a book I haven’t even read.) But really…sometimes you just have to do shit. Even if its in the wrong direction, you just have to keep moving. Live your life. Don’t wait around for things to fall into place. Make your place.
“Even though it went wrong, I’ll stand before the Lord of song with nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah”
Also, I think I’ve finally decided on a path for grad school. If I can pass my GREs. And get into the right program. Oh lordy. Also, RLBC women’s retreat this weekend. So ready for that. 3rd annual. In my egocentric world at least. I’m loving how much of my life is spent with the people I love these days. The rugged American cowboy life doesn’t work for me. I need people. And I think thats a good thing? I’m learning to feel that way.
There is still a bit of your face I haven’t kissed. You step a little closer each day.