The sun is shining. Its closer to 30 today than zero. I walked home. And didn’t freeze.
There is a bunny that comes to my back door and eats the dead grass that piled up in my cracked sidewalk last summer. I really like him. I’m glad he keeps coming back. He sets off the snow quite nicely.
I thought I had effectively made every decision I needed to make.
But no…doors are still open. And I have to go through one of them.
Also, I always wonder, when Robert Frost talks about two roads diverging in a wood, why he didn’t leave the path altogether?
Be careful about your intentions.
More often than not, they’ll get in the way of your love. “What are your intentions towards him?” “I want to be really intentional with you.” “I’m really concerned about your intentions.” How often are these legitimate thoughts and how often are they shields we hide behind because we want to box everything in, to cover it up, to dumb it down? To make love safe.
But when has it ever been so? What in our world that is good is safe? If you’re not taking a risk, what are you doing? You never learn how to fly until you start to fall. It will never ever be safe to love someone. “You risk tears if you let yourself be tamed” (Antoine de Saint-Exupery). No matter how many precautions you take, how many safeguards you build, how many plans you make, love will always be dangerous and love will always be painful.
Thats what makes it so strong.
I’m still learning to live now. To be present. To be in the moment.
To not be concerned about the future and to not be tied to the past.
To be now. To live now. To love now.
I’m still learning.
But when I get it right, it feels oh so good.
A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery
I believe this to be inherently true. We are in a constant process of becoming. What we will be has not yet been made known. I think this may be one of the struggles that has plagued me most throughout my life. An understanding that I need to find my thing, my label, my four or five facts that make me, me. And yet, an underlying feeling, an unsettling knot in my stomach that lets me know, thats not quite it. In fact, maybe not it at all. That I can’t find myself. I can only be myself. I can’t be defined or broken down into lists and facts anymore than life or faith can be broken down into a seven step how-to. And I can’t define others. I shouldn’t put them into boxes, and when I do, I have no right to expect them to stay there. We’re at once more intimate and more complex. Too deep to be understood, too volatile to be categorized, and yet built with an insatiable desire to be known. Maybe knowing someone looks different than we ever thought.
How are you doing?
I know. I haven’t been around lately. Yes. I did promise I’d put in more of an effort to spend time with you this semester. Of course you deserve that. You have your quirks, you’re not perfect, but who is? I’m happy being with you. Sometimes its mundane. Sometimes its just ho-hum old studying. I know we don’t always talk, a lot of the time I just sit with you, maybe read a book. Its our quiet connection that attracts me to you. We don’t need words. You’re not the most beautiful library that has ever come into my life, but don’t let that worry you. There will be other libraries again someday. I’ll have to move on. My life will be going in other directions, and well, you’re so solidly planted that you can’t come with me. Someday (it’ll feel too soon) I’ll be gone. But others will come. Others will come to fill my seat in your desks, to wander your bookshelves the way I always do. And soon enough…you’ll forget about me. But for now, for today, I have papers to write and articles to read. I am settled into your musty bookish depths. Wrap your arms of knowledge and learning around me. Lets forget about tomorrow, forget about whats coming, ignore the inevitable end to our love. This moment is all we have, Library. Lets lose ourselves in my homework.
did you hear about the deaf girl? She’ll make the world stand still.
Mother Nature, I have had it about up to here with you.
i’m tired of needing to be afraid of people. tired of having to build up a wall around myself to make sure i’m safe. shouldn’t we as people love each other? shouldn’t it be safe to be completely open and vulnerable? to be truly your self. i wish we lived in a culture where mistakes were opportunities for growth. where you could live and learn without worrying that at your first misstep, you’d be set upon, beaten and broken. why is it normal to take advantage? what happened to love?
our strength is not for hurting.
I miss having an external sense of self.
But this is better. An internalization of spirit. A recurrent dream that becomes reality. I’m learning to reconcile my sensibility and my reason. I think Romanticism is fascinating but its a lifestyle afforded at the expense of others. Without the middle class, you cannot have those who choose to leave it.
I’m not thinking cognitively right now. I should A. Be working on my Hist 414 test. and B. Feed Fern and Gully.