April Fools

I wish it was a joke that I still haven’t heard back from my schools.  I won’t hear back from one of them, I know, until after I graduate.  And I have no positive reinforcement on any of my job applications.  On top of that, the majority of the jobs I’m applying for these days are things I don’t even want to do.

I don’t care about my resume.  Or rather, I’m tired of caring about my resume.  I’m tired of caring if it looks childish or if it convinces you, my prospective employers, that I’m a professional.  Its not that I’m not dedicated, passionate, or competent.  I am all those things and more.  If I do a job, I do it well.  I promise.  But please, don’t make me jump through these hoops and pretend I like pant suits in order to succeed.  Because then I start worrying about if I can succeed as me.  Or if I have to become a type-A, straight-laced, clean desk type of person in order to get a job, or even worse, to make a difference.

I want to succeed as myself.  That’s no excuse to slack off. But it’s no excuse to settle either.  What does it profit a man to gain the world but lose his soul?  I’m waiting for the right fit.  The place that feels like I’m diving in and pouring myself out for my work, but doing it on my terms.  But I’m running out of time.  I spent my whole childhood believing that God had a plan and was directing my life and if She could come through with that soon, that would be great.

What do I do?  Where do I look?  There is so much and so little at the same time.  And I find myself wasting time because I don’t know where to start.  I don’t want to be a coffee-shop member of my generation.  Not that there is anything wrong with that lifestyle if it is what you want, but its not what I want and I know I’d give into it so easily.  But I don’t want to just take a 9-5 white collar job either. I just want to live and I want space in my world for all 64 colours in my box of Crayolas.

And why do I even complain about this?  Its not like job offers from any side of the spectrum are pouring in?  Its fine.  But its not fine as well and I’m just ready to know.  I just want to be able to plan.  Because I feel so stuck right now.   Some more colorful word for purgatory.  Where accounting classes and information technology and government inefficiencies are supposed to cleanse my soul and make me ready for professional paradise.

Ugh.

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