That time

It’s that time in the semester when I blog a lot because somehow writing anything but my final projects seems like a great idea.  A clue…it’s not.

I have a big decision ahead of me.  I have a lot of big decisions ahead of me but they are preceded by, begun in, and represented with one.  And I don’t know what to do.

Do I wait, do I cover my heart in patience and gentle existence?  See if living this way can make me happy.  Do I act decisively, daring and dreaming and trusting?  Do I love or do I dream?  I don’t know.

And I’ve been thinking about God.  About the refining fire, melting away impurities, creating something stronger, something truer, something brighter.  I’ve been thinking about stillness and gentle silence.  I’ve been thinking about the rush of parting waters, the roar of fevered battles, the quiet angel that stole the breath of Egyptian sons.

I’ve been wondering what it means when God has plans to give you a hope and a future and you watch your children waste away.  My youth pastor used to talk about being Christ’s hands and feet, being Jesus with skin on (I always hated that analogy).  And I wonder if he knew what those words meant.  In some ways, its a call to be Christ incarnate.  It’s a weighty glory and a heavy cross.

And I wonder what it costs to bear it.

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