Last night…this morning…all of the above? I talked with Kipp for over two hours, about our days, about NFL Blitz (heeeyyy N64), about old videos he’d watched of his life in Sioux City and old green jackets and how love seems to spread you around and live different pieces of you in places you never expected. And you can’t always go get them back. Sometimes you have to recreate, move on, love the new shape of you that has been molded and sculpted by love, pain, and loss.
And then, like what seems to happen a lot these days, our conversation devolved (or maybe evolved) into me crying, into us analyzing my insecurities and struggles with trust. To him reminding me that I’m the only one who matters here. There is no standard to which I am being measured and there is no other opinion (even his) that holds any weight. Fuck the world, and fuck the people or the circumstances that would tell you otherwise. Sometimes I feel like I lose sight of the way the world is going and I get lost in this feeling like maybe everything is going to fall apart, maybe life won’t turn out the way it should.
But maybe it will. Maybe it won’t be perfect, but maybe it shouldn’t be. Maybe it just is and nothing can really go wrong. But then again, things can go horribly wrong and they do every day, but maybe we’re not supposed to get caught up in that. We’re not supposed to take the weight of the world onto our shoulders. We’re just supposed to know ourselves and to love as fucking deeply as we can.
And maybe its time to trust in the world that has hurt you. Maybe its time to let people love you. Maybe its time to believe God reaches out to us in the bread and wine. Maybe its time to let go of the walls and the barriers and the protection. Maybe I can let someone else in. Maybe I can let myself out. Maybe its time to dance naked in the leaves on a freaking unseasonably warm fall day. Who knows.
But I am loved and I can trust. And today is the day. And tomorrow will be too. And there is no room for apology.