What I should be doing

I have a paper to work on, so of course, I want to do anything but.

I was thinking about the title I originally gave to this blog when I was just beginning.  Piece of Glass.  Thinking about reflections.  And what they mean.  I think at that point in my life, I was much more focused on the physical manifestations of reflection and dissatisfaction.    I’d like to think that, for the most part, I have progressed beyond that worry.  Put at least a few childish things behind me.  But I find, the question of reflection and authority still stands.

To whom do I give authority in my life?  Who or what gets to reflect me?  What reflection do I trust?  To whom do I give the right and privilege of naming me?  Do I put my faith in the bathroom mirror which throws my mottled skin and dark roots into sharp, fluorescent perspective?  Do I put my faith in the red pen markings scattered on assignments, tests, and papers?  Do I trust the body language, the near imperceptible shifts in eye contact, the tones of voice that fluctuate and indicate something or perhaps nothing? Do I trust the Bible?  That terribly frightening, shifting document written thousands of years before my time, but perhaps for my eyes at this moment.  Do I put my faith in popular culture?  In fashion and trends and the latest news, gossip, and technology? Do I trust Kurt Vonnegut and Mason Cooley?  Perhaps Virginia Woolf.

Do I trust myself?  Its been 23 and a half years, but I’m still not sure I’ve met me.  Could I be trusted to name, describe, or reflect myself?

Maybe not.  Maybe its less a reflection in a mirror and more a reflection in a pond.  I catch a glimpse, but then the tide changes, or a pebble is tossed in the water and concentric circles shift the image.  Its not something solid, unchangeable, and iron.  I am fluid, ever-changing, and beautifully flexible.

I don’t think I can be reflected, because I don’t think I have arrived.  And I hope I never do.

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