Last night I had a meeting with my capstone advisor. I was already stressed about how I would manage my time this semester and manage my life better than I had last year and a three hour meeting about local government didn’t help.
Sometimes [or maybe all the time] I feel like my program isn’t asking me to learn as much as it is asking me to become. Which is very effective, for the people who want to work in this field. They learn the hoops to jump through and the rings to kiss. They graduate with a network of contacts who are ready to make them a success. But this success is not what I want. And I feel like a mismatched part being pushed down an assembly line. And it hurts when they try to hammer me and melt me down into the right shape. And I’m not always strong enough to keep my corners from melting and softening under the blows. One thing they never tell you on those inspirational posters is how much strength it takes to go against the grain.
But I have to. Because I have to accomplish something and not fall apart this year. Ali Berndt wrote a beautiful blog post yesterday about calling and vocation. It reminded me about the importance of passion and of doing what makes you come alive. There isn’t a formula. There is no one path or direction. There is rarely a clear signal or a sign. There is just something that gives you that fire. That passion. We need a world of individuals who have come alive. Myself included.
So I am thinking about that today. And this blog post doesn’t make much sense. But neither does life and I just want that to be okay. I want myself to be okay. And I’m the only one who can approve that decision. It takes a level of self-awareness I rarely allow myself and a level of strength I usually borrow from others. But this is my humility talking. I don’t want to be a factory-made model in a suit.
So today what makes sense is to listen to Edward Sharpe and the magnetic zeroes and ramble on my blog. I don’t want to complain. I just want to live. I just want to believe in some things and be right about it. And I know, its all up to me. Like usual.
“The only truth is music.”
“Down on the lake rosy reflections of celestial vapor appeared, and I said, “God, I love you” and looked to the sky and really meant it. “I have fallen in love with you, God. Take care of us all, one way or the other.”
“Something good will come of all things yet”
“I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.”
“Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don’t be sorry.”
“Nothing behind me, everything ahead of me, as is ever so on the road.”