This will be quick, because I want to go grab a couple hours of afternoon summer sun before it gets away from me.
I’m back in DeKalb. And overall, I’m really happy. I miss my friends. I miss my boyfriend. I miss Des Moines. I miss my family. I miss not generally feeling like everything I do is being disapproved of. But I really love a lot of things out here. I’m grateful for good roommates (who will hopefully become friends). I’m grateful for delicious healthy food that I can make it my giant kitchen. I’m grateful for a chance to still be a student. I’m grateful for a good, steady paycheck from my boring job. I’m grateful for the funny cat that lives in my house. I’m grateful for long distance communication technology that allows me to keep in touch with the friends and family I’m missing. I’m genuinely happy.
But its a lot of work. Maybe for some people happiness comes easily. But it doesn’t for me. And like a good Norwegian, I feel guilty about that. I feel like there is something wrong with me because I have to remind myself to journal and play music and write poetry to be happy. I feel like I shouldn’t need to so constantly remind myself of the things that make the world bigger than me and the things that make it beautiful. Maybe it comes naturally to some people. But it doesn’t to me.
So I’m trying to learn to get over my Scandinavian roots would tell me to apologize for myself. I’m trying to learn to invest in my self. To keep myself happy, or at least motivated. I can’t deny the pain in the world and in everyday life, but I can keep myself from getting discouraged and remind myself that I have a role to play in this story. I am not a passive participant. I am an active player on my own stage. And I need to remind myself that I am worth it.