My life is full of learning. Journeying. Trying. Failing. Trying again. Lots of gerunds. At least I think they are gerunds. Could just be verbs. But not finished verbs. I’ve yet to have an “ed” in my life. Always “ing”. And today I was doing some more crying, thinking, praying, reading, and ultimately, living.
Today I was living by the lagoon. Gross name for essentially Lake Laverne without the swans. First, actually, I tried gerund-ing by the river, but I sat in a weed that my skin didn’t like, ended up with a rash. Popped some benadryl and found a new locale for my routine existentialist break down. I settled on the lagoon, the east side. There is a broken old bench there, the back has rotted away but the seat boards are still there. I sat there, under the cloudy sky, cried a little, wrote a little, read a little. I was probably there for an hour or two and the whole time, this pair of geese stayed right by the shore near me. They stayed in the water, but as close to me as possible, and every time I looked up, one or the other would be staring at me. Seemingly, just checking in. Maybe my life has gotten that pathetic that even geese can sense it, or maybe the Lord works in mysterious ways and out of the beaks of geese honks his comfort? They even took on some of the other geese for me. One particularly threatening guy tried to chase them away, but they came right back on post. They stayed until I eventually got too chilly, packed up my book, and walked back home. I know they were just geese, but I was grateful. I am grateful.
I let the world tell a single story too much. I have all the control in the world and I give it away. I give it away to past memories and to future fears. What could I accomplish if I stopped standing in my own way? If I stopped inventing barriers and walls in my path? Maybe there is no cookie cutter, one size fits all, recipe for life in our world. And maybe no one would notice if I stopped trying to be like all the rest of them. Geese have no good reason to guard a girl. Maybe I should start doing the things I have no good reason for.