Wants

I want my life to be together.  I want all the things to work out.  I want to be confident and full of myself and I want to eat a ton of fruit and asparagus.  G-d grilled asparagus.  I want the sun to come out and I want to lay in its rays with a good book and a glass of iced tea.  I want to wear sunglasses that aren’t chipping.  I want to laugh the way the woman I just met last night laughs.  I want to hang out with kids that lisp.  I want to create something. I want to not be settling.  I want to let life come as it will and give up on these plans and lists that just aren’t getting me anywhere.  I want to drink cheap wine on a porch in the oppressive summer heat with a paper fan as my only form of air conditioning.  I want to climb up in a tree and I want to kiss my boyfriend there.  I want to spend days and days with the girlfriends that I’ve missed.  I want to let go of the resumes and resume-builders.  Put away my pant-suit (for the most part, its fun from time to time) or at least get one with a more tightly fitted jacket.  I want to put down the textbooks and pick up Annie.  I want to do more than go to the Des Moines farmer’s market, I want to work there.  I want to stop putting myself in a box that says only under conditions A, B, and X could I ever possibly be happy.  And I want people to trust me that it will all work out just fine.  I want to trust that myself.   I want perpetual summer.  Or hell, I’ll take the seasons, even the bitter raging cold and snow of the winters of our lives, just let me actually feel it.  Let me out of the climate-controlled office and my de-iced care so that I can actually freeze a little and enjoy spring more when it comes.  I want to be sad so that I can really be happy again.

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