My parents were just out here this weekend. We had a lovely time. Exploring downtown, walking around DeKalb, church at First Lutheran, playing Farkle by the pool. It was really fun. I liked having them out here and showing them the places I have come to call my own.
It was a win.
Not everything is right now. There is a lot that is at best up in the air. I’m missing old friendships and hating the limitations that distance imposes. The people I love are spread across state lines, time zones, and countries. I often find myself wishing to just be around them again, living every day life together, talking about the world and the people in it over a glass of cheap wine.
I have no idea where I’ll be soon. DeKalb, Des Moines, South Bend, China? What doors might open [or close] for me? I’m daily refusing to let myself worry about it yet but it is on my mind. I had a plan. One year ago, I was just waiting to know what school would be the one where I would spend the next five to eight years. I was going to get a PhD and research/teach. I had a plan. And that is slipping away. It’s not gone yet. And it could still happen, but its definitely not happening in the way I imagined. I guess you never get to know. I waver between the optimist that believes that no matter what, something will work out. That no matter where I am, I can love and be happy, and what else matters? The other side of me asks why my plan wasn’t good enough? What was wrong with wanting to be an African Studies professor? Doing something big with my life? Its frustrating. And then I waver back to feeling like it will always be fine. And back again.
My life is good right now. I’m not feeling defeated. I’m just feeling so tired.