I’m sitting, trying to finish a pathetic three page paper, so I can move on to my other pathetic three page paper and my other ten-page paper. And then beyond that I have two interviews to prepare for, $2000 to raise (and then $1500 more), two grants to write, and a lesson to plan. Its nothing very big, but it is a lot of little things. And I have a headache. Not a big deal, but I’m struggling to be productive.
I was just reading a friend’s blog. And for a million reasons I really respect her. And miss her. I feel sorry for people who haven’t lived surrounded by the people I have met and loved along the way. What I was thinking about tonight was that she is badass. And the best part about it is she knows it. More than just knowing though, she acknowledges that fact, publicly. Not that she doesn’t admit weakness or pain, she just knows what she is and calls the shots. Its not pride, its just truth. And I think there is something really brave about that. Most of us don’t want to admit our strengths for fear we’ll be proved wrong. For fear someone will say “no, you’re not”. For fear that if we don’t hedge our bets and keep one foot on the adequate side of life, we’ll set ourselves up for failure. She is honest, regardless of those consequences. She is brave. I admire her.
I remember times I’ve been that way too. Honest with myself and the world. And they’ve been the happiest. Not the easiest or the most perfect. But they’ve been the times when my spine was strong, my back was straight, and my head was high. You couldn’t bring me down. I’m learning. Slowly. But I’m learning to be less afraid of my light.
This should be more polished. But its not. And thats fine with me right now.