Grumpy and other Dwarves.

Today I learned the basic strumming pattern for the banjo.  Yes.  Banjo. I haven’t bought my own yet. I’m saving up for one and plan to buy one by the end of the summer.  Nothing high end.  Just a good introductory banjo to learn on.  But in the meantime, a friend of mine has graciously loaned me his and I’m making myself a deal.  If I practice on this one every day, I will buy myself a banjo at the end of the summer before I move to Illinois.  If I can get the basics down this summer, how cool would it be to buy my own banjo and immediately sit down and play a song?  So here I go.  Banjo adventure.

Also, yesterday I got out my dad’s old Canon A1 camera. (With F-stops).  I’ve been perusing the user’s guide and fiddling with the buttons.  I bought film but have yet to load it.  I’ll wait for that til I’m under the guiding eye of my photography version of Mr. Miyagi. So far I’m satisfied with the clicking noise the camera makes sans film.  Pretend hipster.

Tuesday of this week, I cut my hair super short.  I’ve never had it this short before and it still surprises me every time I look in the mirror.  It’s so much easier to deal with.  Way less time getting ready in the morning and way less hot under the summer sun.  (I mean..like the one day of summer sun we’ve had.  I swear…it is May, right?) It’s a totally different look and for the most part, I love it.  But it’s also a challenge.  Which is why I cut it this way.  Like many people, I struggle with the idea of definition by appearance.  I love feeling beautiful and being beautiful. I love beauty wherever I find it.  And there is nothing wrong with that, inherently.  But I so often tie beauty into not whether I feel beautiful but into whether or not others find me beautiful. So this is my challenge to myself.  I tried to take a step away from the traditionally beautiful look.  Long hair, very feminine, Hollywood glamorous.  Not saying the short cut is not beautiful, but is not what I have traditionally seen as the “beautiful woman” look. So this is my attempt to break my need to keep trying to match that standard.  This is my test.  To see if I can still feel beautiful, outwardly and inwardly, without being what other people stereotypically (at least in my mind) see as beautiful.  I’m letting go of my checklist and grading scale.  We’ll see what I learn.

I should end with something witty or profound.  But I won’t.

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One response

  1. You are beautiful, inside and out, and would continue to be so even if you were bald.

    Way to go! You’re being yourself. You’re being who you choose to be, rather than letting the world dictate. That’s awesome. And seriously, no pressure, but also know you continue being inspirational to me, by nature more inhibited by fear of outward judgements. Thank you.

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