Guaranteed

I’m not usually big into awareness campaigns or slogans or silly little things we do to make people think about things they should be thinking about anyway.  I get annoyed by the breast cancer awareness campaigns.  Stop turning everything in my grocery store pink.  I will not Bowl for Boobs.  I won’t wear your stupid yellow LiveStrong bracelets.  But I thought the following list was at least a witty, interesting take on the advice women are generally offered to protect themselves.  Lets just make a world where we all love and treat each other fairly and we can forget about this defense stuff, eh?  Sounds good to me.

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work!

1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.
2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!
3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!
4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.
5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!
6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.
7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.
8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.
9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!
10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

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