“Do you promise to never leave this baby that we are having?
I promise. I do.
Do you promise to stop talking about your ability to find or not find my vagina after I give birth?
Do you promise to let me cobble…
…to carve in my spare time, and teach our daughter the lore
of the great Mississippi?
Do you promise never to develop a thing for seahorses?
Do you promise to let our daughter be fat or skinny or any weight at all? Because we want her to be happy, no matter what. Being obsessed with weight is just too cliché for our daughter.
Yes, I do. Do you promise, when she talks, you’ll listen? Like, really listen, especially when she’s scared? And that her fights will be your fights?
I do. And do you promise that if I die some embarrassing and boring death that you’re gonna tell our daughter that her father was killed by Russian soldiers in this intense hand-to-hand combat in an attempt to save the lives of 850 Chechnyan orphans?
I do. Chechnyan orphans. I do.