I don’t like football. But I’ll watch it because you like it. And still be an independent woman.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery said that language is the source of all misunderstandings.  I spend a lot of my time apologizing because I’m afraid I’m not being understood. I especially want to make sure the people I let into my heart understand what they find there.  If I love you, I want to show you, and show you often.  Because it is something I am choosing to let be a part of me.  And I want you to know it as much as you know me.  Its not a weakness or a need, its me.  If something really involves my heart, I can’t do it partway.  I never learned how.  I have a hard time taking risks, but once I feel safe, or brave, I dive in.  I don’t think I’m foolish, but I don’t think I’m lukewarm.  If I’m passionate about something, I’m passionate.  If I fall in love with an idea or a concept, I come alive.  When I find classes that engage my heart, I have no problem putting in what it takes to succeed.

This isn’t intended to be prideful.  Its not always an asset.  Sometimes my heart is engaged and I find myself over my head in something that makes no sense in my life.  Things that I become emotionally involved with easily become sources of pain to me.  Becoming passionate about things over which I have very little control entails many situations of frustration for me with little relief unless I choose to ignore the problems.  And useless anger and frustration do no good.  And when I’m not passionate, I can’t be in the middle.  I rarely find myself willing to do things I have no real concern for, even if I know them to be important or worthwhile.  I’ll half-ass, but I can’t summon the passion to act in these areas like I can over so many situations in which I’m fairly powerless.  And it is unfortunately rare for my heart to become engaged.  Largely I think because I am fearful.  I hate the thought of finding myself in situations from my past.  I hate the thought of giving up the power in apathy.  Its easier to be disconnected.

But when I love, when I become connected, when someone or something gives me the strength to be brave, its beautiful.  It feels so good to be truly alive.  And love is what makes us that. I don’t think engaging the heart is a statement that I believe I won’t get hurt, that I know everything about where I am and where I’m going, or that I’ve arrived and this is the end all of my life.  Generally the opposite.  But I think it means, I’m choosing to put all of myself into what is in front of me.  I’m willing to risk and to jump.  To pour myself out. And for better or worse, live in what happens.

And I think I’m happy with that.


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