here we go again.

a lot of people have been saying a lot of things lately that are how i feel. so, if you’ve been blogging and i’ve been reading it, know that i am praying for all of you.  there are a lot of people being broken right now.  i’m with you. for what its worth.

honesty has been on my mind a lot.  even if no one else sees this, in a way, its an avenue for me to admit things to myself.  so here are some more things about me that have been rising to the surface lately.  confessions, if you will.  sometimes i get jealous of other people’s abilities.  abilities to write, to sing, to be outgoing, etc.  lets face it.  i suck at blogging.  i’m just plain terrible at it.  and sometimes i read other people’s blogs and just wish i could write like that.  just let my feelings out.  say really eloquent and moving things.  god, i think you are calling me out of my mistaken pride and you’ve been doing it for about the past seven or eight months, and if you are doing it, its got to be a good thing, but sometimes it just sucks, not feeling like you are good at anything.  i covet other peoples abilities.  which i suppose it just as much of a broken commandment as coveting other people’s cattle.

I’ve been seeking my validation from people again.  not from God.  I went through this in the mid to end of the summer as well.  I remember I just broke down one day from something one of my closest friends said to me in like 1oth grade.  She probably doesnt even remember the conversation, but i remember it exactly.  it wasnt even something meant to hurt or insult, but for some reason it cut really deep and it still comes up. how ridiculous. i want people to like me.  i want to be loved.  i want to know that i am valued and that i make a difference in people’s lives.  and i do know that.  God has given me so many amazing people who pour love into my heart, but as with every person, there is no end to our need and we can never be filled, except by the one who has everything to give.  So why don’t I turn to that more often?  Why do I settle for water from the well when I have the fountain of living water, offering to quench a thirst that runs so much deeper than i knew?  (read about the woman from John 4, if there is any story in that bible that i absolutely feel, its that one)  Jesus, I wish I turned to you more.  For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.  (2 Tim 1:7) My life, my spirit has not been powerful, or lovely, or even particularly sound lately.  i have been fearful.  fearing i am alone.  fearing i’m beyond your grasp, fearing that everything i am is wrong.  but Jesus, thats not of you.

Jesus, i’m coming along.  i’m moving so slow right now.  but keep me coming.

What language shall I borrow
To thank Thee, dearest friend,
For this Thy dying sorrow,
Thy pity without end?
O make me Thine forever,
And should I fainting be,
Lord, let me never,
Never outlive my love to Thee.

O Sacred Head Now Wounded.


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